


Every Version of This

by Nerd_alert19



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Season/Series 06 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 03:42:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20482286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_alert19/pseuds/Nerd_alert19
Summary: Early season seven wishes that will probably leave me disappointed when they don't give us something like this.May wakes up and processes the latest version of him. Major spoilers for the end of season six!





	Every Version of This

He was an LMD.

Jemma and Daisy had explained the situation to her when she was finally conscious enough to hold a conversation. He had all of Phil’s memories from childhood up to the moment he fell through the back door portal and disengaged from the framework. They informed her that he was made with advanced Chronicom technology and was as conscious and responsive as Aida’s final form. She wasn't sure how to feel about that. 

He came in once with Daisy while she was recovering. He didn’t say much, but hovered in the doorway while Daisy brought her up to speed about the situation with the Chronicoms and their trip back in time. By the time she briefed her on their jump to the 1930s and plan to save the world this time, he was gone.

He didn’t avoid her after that but stayed within her orbit keeping a safe distance as if getting too close would cause him to burn up in the heat of her. He was everything she remembered down to the smallest spark of amusement in his eyes when he made a joke or pun. She ached with every interaction. She was torn over wanting distance from the reminder of what she lost and the desire to pull him in and hold tight. This was a tortuous blend of heaven and hell.

  
He was trying to give her space to make it easier on her, but the way he looked at her as if it was killing him not to touch her made it worse. She wished he wouldn’t look like that. She wished he’d just give in.

  
She’s barely slept. She rationalizes that it’s from all the time resting while she recovered, but she knows it’s her mind keeping her awake. She either spends her nights lying in bed and remembering every moment she’s had with him, or spends the late hours pacing her room trying to persuade herself not to seek out the version of him that’s just one bunk over.

Tonight she paces.

There’s a picture of the two of them on her nightstand. They took lots of pictures together in Tahiti. It was important to him that she would have tangible memories after he was gone, but she had protested and claimed it would be too painful to remember. It took her almost a year to open the box and put some of her favorites in frames. She was grateful for them now. She was even more grateful that she had left them in her bunk on the Zepher. She would have been devastated to lose them when they lost the lighthouse.

She’d lost enough already.

  
She sat down on her bed and reached for the frame but paused when there was a soft tapping on her door. She glanced once more to the beaming smile on Phil’s face before standing up to open the door. Seeing him on the other side of it hurts. She wants to close the door and crawl in her bed. She wants to pull him in and close the door behind them.

She wants Phil.

He was shifting from foot to foot nervously clasping his hands in front of him as he stared at the floor. He looked up startled as she opened the door as if he wasn’t really expecting her to answer it.

“Oh…hi” he squeaked out.

She didn’t respond. She simply studied him trying to find something about him that screamed robot, so that her brain could prove to her heart that this wasn’t him and all the feelings she had coursing through her every time he looked at her weren’t rational. He looked crestfallen at her lack of response.

“It’s late….I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t be bothering you. Is this weird? I should go.” He rambles and moisture builds in her eyes at how very ‘Phil’ it is.

“You’re upset. I’ve upset you. I’m such a jerk. I’m so sorry Melinda. I promise I’ll stay away from now on I just….” He trailed off and looked down at his shoes, shrugging his shoulders helplessly.

“You just what…?” She inquired and clinched her fist to her sides to keep from reaching out and sliding her hand under his chin to bring his eyes to hers.

“I just….miss you." He spoke softly. "I know what I am….it’s just that…the last thing I remember was searching for you…praying you were alive….following Ivanoff’s clues and then its all jumbled. They filled me in on what I’ve missed. I have fuzzy memories of making soap and seeing you in a Hydra uniform, but those don’t make sense. I remember asking you to follow me and then it’s all blank from there. I thought I had lost you, but….you're alive…and right here with me. You’re right in front of me and I can’t even….” He trailed off helplessly.

“Can’t what?” She asked as her fist tightened almost painfully against her sides.

“Can’t hold you.” He said so softly she almost didn’t catch it, but her heart stilled as if he’d yelled the words.

  
“Oh…” she breathed out in response.

  
“I kept thinking about what I would do when we found you….and all those days searching just made me want to hold you close for a while. I just…I know this is hard on you. I’ve been keeping my distance so this isn’t any worse for you, but tonight I just needed to see you. It was selfish of me, and I’m so sorry, Melinda. I should just….”

“You were there when I came out of the framework.” She interrupted, and his eyes snapped up to meet hers. She looked away as she felt her heart race under his gaze and continued softly. “You held me close when you helped me out of the machine. You even kissed my hair before you set me down on the floor. You didn’t think I noticed, but I did.”

“Huh….okay….good” he fumbled out the words as he tried to conjure up a memory he didn’t possess.

“You wanted to take a step back after that, but then you kissed me on a space ship behind your shield.” She informed him with the beginnings of a smirk tugging at her lips.

“I did?” He gulped and his hand nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh yeah….very Captain America style. It was hot.” She was leaning against her door frame now enjoying the way the surprise flickered across his face as he tried to process and keep up with each new memory she threw at him.

“We lived together in Tahiti for months….just the two of us…..lots of parasailing.” She continued.

“Parasailing?” He asked confused but then looked up to see the spark in her eyes that meant she was playing at something. “Oh! You mean… uh huh…parasailing.”

She couldn’t keep the grin off of her face as he blushed and rubbed the back of his neck again.

“I guess it’s kind of weird to be jealous of yourself isn’t it?” He inquired as he finally looked at her again and shrugged.

Her smile faded slowly at that as she slid back into reality and what she had intended this conversation to be for her. “He died.” She whispered and looked away at his sharp intake of breath.

He swallowed hard and waited until she was looking at him again before he responded. “Leaving you would have been worse for him than the actual thought of dying. That’s all I thought about….well…he thought about the first time. It the last thing I remember before the implanted memories of Tahiti took over. I remember thinking that I didn’t get to tell you goodbye and making Fury promise to look out for you. I’m glad he got to tell you goodbye this time…do things right.” He finished as he finally looked up at her and noticed her looking away from him and trying to discretely wipe at the tear before it slid down her cheek.

His heart clenched and he wanted to beat his head against the wall for being so inconsiderate of her heart. “I’m so sorry, Mel. We shouldn’t be talking about this. I’m such a jerk. Please don’t cry.”

He reached out to place a comforting hand on her arm but then realized that she probably didn’t want him touching her so he pulled it back. “I should just go.”

She would have let him walk away from her then, but she looked up and saw the look of anguish on his face and the moisture built up in his own eyes. She looked once more for something that would convince her heart that this ‘thing’ in front of her was merely a machine and a poor imitation. All she saw was Phil, and a moment later when she pressed her face into the crook of his neck and slid her arms around his waist all she felt was Phil too.

He hesitated at first, surprised with the sudden feel of her and the turn in direction the conversation had taken. He knew what he was; but the sob he choked back as he slid his arms around her and pulled her closer was so very real; so was the kiss he pressed to her hair.

“Can you just stay with me for a little while?” She questioned, and he shivered from the feel of her lips and breath brushing against his neck as she asked.

“For as long as you want, Mel.” He responded and felt her nod before she pulled away to lead him into her bunk. He shut the door as he followed her in.

“I umm…..haven’t been able to sleep.” She confessed as she sat down on the bed.

He nodded even though she was looking at the floor rather than him. “I know…I can hear you moving around at night.”

“Sorry…” she muttered.

“Not a problem. Why don’t you try to sleep now? I can read to you…you know….like the old days when you were too hyped up after a mission to settle down. There’s some books in my bunk that would bore you to sleep in minutes. I can go…”

“Can you just lay here with me for a while.” She interrupted. “I mean…just..”

“Yeah…sure.” He assured her as he slipped out of his shoes and placed his jacket and tie across the chair in the corner. She seemed nervous as he laid down on the bed next to her.

She didn’t pull back the covers. It seemed too intimate, but she hesitated only a moment before sliding close to him and pressing her cheek to his shoulder. She felt him move and lifted up enough to allow him to slide his arm under her neck and pull her into his side. She closed her eyes and the heartbeat under her palm felt just like Phil. She breathed in deep, and he smelled just like Phil. As she finally started to drift off, the soft kiss he placed on the top of her head was so intricately Phil.

It was the first time in a over a year that she had slept through the night, but the disappointment clawed at her when she woke up alone. She wanted to be angry, but she pushed back the blanket he had draped over her at some point and saw a note on the bed where he should have been. She opened it slowly and her heart clenched at his familiar script as she read, 

  
“Melinda,

I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to be able to hold you close last night. Just to know that you are alive and safe means everything to me. I’m not really sure what you think about this version of me, and I just didn’t want to blow it if you woke up uncomfortable that I was there. YOU mean everything to me Melinda, and I’ll be here for you in whatever way you want. I’m just kind of an idiot with these things….so if you could just tell me rather specifically what you want so I don’t screw it up, that would be great. Also, your hair smells like oranges and you don’t kick in your sleep like you used to. I’m kinda thinking you used to just kick me on purpose and claim you were asleep. Oh great…I’ve resorted to rambling in letters now, and I wrote in pen so I cant erase it. Just ignore this. I’m an idiot.

Phil”

She smiled and shook her head. He was an idiot, and for the first time since she saw him, her heart was able to convince her head that this was Phil. She knew what he was; and she knew that she had buried the real Phil, and he was never coming back. Sarge had broken that hope in her the moment he thrust that sword into her belly and the light in his eyes had gone out. What was left of Phil died the moment Sarge betrayed her. She knew he was gone, and she had made peace with that; but as she looked at the letter in her hand, she knew her heart had won. She had a part of him here. She had the part of him that remembered reading to her when she couldn’t sleep. She had the part of him that remembered searching for her desperately with hopes of holding her close when he found her. She had the part of him that realizes he’s a rambling idiot and terrible at reading a woman’s intentions when it comes to relationships. It wasn’t the real Phil, but her heart was desperate enough not to care. She missed him more than she thought possible, and she wasn’t going to push away the only part of him she had left.

She dressed for the day and headed next door to his bunk. She knocked hoping that he was still there, and she didn’t have to wait until later for this conversation. The smile that lit up his face when he saw her made her heart race.

“I don’t kick in my sleep. I was messing with you, because I knew you’d be too nice to mention it the next morning.” She stated without preamble.

His eyes narrowed and he pointed his finger at her in mock outrage. “I knew it! Oh that is so messed up! I had a bruise on my shin that one time in London! I almost started wearing shin guards when we had to share a bed. You kept that up for YEARS!”

“Yep.” She smirked.

He just smirked back and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well played, May…..well played.”

She looked down to gather herself before she started, “Phil…..about last night…”

“You don’t want it to happen again.” He sighed with a shrug as if he were expecting this conversation but felt the disappointment just as sharp as if she’d caught him unaware.

“No, I do.” She assured him and looked up for his reaction.

He looked up at her surprised but tried to school it and act unaffected by her revelation. “Oh…yeah…okay…that’s good then.”

“I’ve learned not to waste time…so whatever this is going to be with us….I don’t want to take any steps back.” She began.

“Me either!” He agreed quickly and she smiled.

  
She nodded and watched him thoughtfully. “Good. So…tonight…”

“Your bunk or mine?” He interrupted with a teasing glint in his eyes but started to back peddle at her raised brow. “I mean…to sleep…just sleep.”

The narrowing of her eyes was her only response, and he started to panic and rambled, “I mean unless you wanted to do more than sleep, because I mean…I’m totally cool with that, but I’m trying to be a gentleman and I didn’t want to be presumptuous.” He finally stopped floundering when he heard her soft laugh. His cheeks were red with embarrassment, but he’d gladly ramble like an idiot again if it made her laugh. He didn’t care what he was, he was confident that every version of him in any universe would always fall in love with Melinda May.

“My bunk tonight, Phil.” She said as she turned to head off in search of Daisy and Mack. “And as for the other thing….why don’t you just bring a toothbrush, and we’ll see how it goes.”

She smirked at the look of surprise on his face and allowed the hope to bloom in her chest as she made her way to the command center.

The universe owed her, and she was going to make sure it paid in full this time.


End file.
